suicide

Wake up from what seemed
So much like my own
Vivid rushed reality,
To a sneaky thought of you.

Look at my phone,
I know it’s not you.
I convince myself
I’m not thinking of you.

Self-induced REM – eyes squeezed shut,
Detaining images, forcing this moment;
To last a little longer, pass a little slower.
To picture your hair and your eyes,
Your pride and your smile.

Those hands that are poetry.
Your voice and your cruelty.
And I convince myself
I don’t love you at all.

***

Real life’s a-calling;
Shower and sustenance.
All the while conscious,
you’re not on my mind.

Not haunting me
With that disdainful eye.
Those excruciating words
Don’t wreck and crucify.

Your casting me away is not judicial murder.
Your pity is not
My guilty pleasure.
I can do without you
And your arrogant belittling.

And then…

I don’t feel my insides lurch
When that familiar buzzing begins,
And I see your name flash in my palm –
Hello, how are you, I’ll see you later.

***

The sun is up.
I walk out the door.
I’ve convinced myself
You’re the only thing I need.

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