“Bi”cycle

Keep falling back into old patterns.
Familiarity more comforting than reason.

Keep hurting another soul
To justify the pain you carry.

Keep finding ways to kill yourself
Before someone else has the chance to do it.

Keep trying to balance things out
By picking unfair advantages.

And lose anyway
To stay where you are.

Keep riding the highs
Because the lows will come.

Then drown in those lows
Till you can’t recognise any highs.

Keep smiling, for you will always
Tell yourself it will be OK.

Keep going. Keep existing.
Keep navigating this impossible maze.

As promised, the high will come again…

Followed closely by its evil twin.

An Exercise in Futility

Dear Person,

It’s uncomfortable
Being on guard.
Worrying about things
You say and do

Being judged.
Not misjudged.

A selfish, shamelessly self-centred organism.

But I’m comfortable enough
To tell you this.
I’ve been thinking a lot
Of the pointlessness

Of any emotion
That isn’t self-serving.
So, what is this big fuss
About love?

The existence of which is in itself
Contentious

I think.

But what do I know?

The stark futility of expressing
To people
How you feel,
When they clearly don’t need it –

Evolved,
Self-sufficient bastards.

So why tell you that you’ve been on my mind?
Memories of you
Make me feel empty.

I do not love you
Unconditionally;

I do not want
To possess you;

I do not dream
Of touching you;

I am not enamoured.

In truth, I don’t even like you.

But.

You are real.
You were here,
I was alive.

Like I was more
Than just an organism.
Like my meaningless existence
Was completely acceptable.

Like

I wasn’t alone.

I miss you.

Sincerely.

Carousel

Have we met before?

Let’s say we haven’t.
Let’s do a little dance,
As you help me sell to you
Parts of myself that I’d like you to see.

Tell me I’m beautiful,
Say those words.
Make me want you
Despite myself.

Pull me close
And I’ll try to leave.
But your grip is firm,
My fingers in your palm.

I’ll twirl right back
Into your arms.
Sharing bodies and souls,
Never missing a beat.

Tell me my demons entice you;
That you’re under my spell.
Tell me you couldn’t leave
Even if you wanted to.

Tell me I’m special –
My breath intoxicating.

So special that I’m different –
My words, stimulating.

So different that I’m doomed.
To be alone.

Then don’t look back
When you walk out the door,
Shaking with emotion
You never expected.

Rage. Hate. Pain. Love?

Promise yourself
You’ll never come back.
I’ll promise myself
I won’t take you back.

I’ll spend my days
Shattering innocent objects;
Shouting as loud as I can
To drown out the voices.

Incredibly loud.
Excruciatingly unkind.
Told you so!
Told you so.

I’ll make do,
I’ll live with this shame.

So here I am.
Healing.
The past behind me;
When you come by,

Smiling eyes asking,

Have we met before?

subterfuge

I want you to know who I am.
But the I that I want you to know
Is a fabricated aspiration
That’s fooling nobody
But the other hidden I.
Only barely concealed,
In my own grimy shadow.

And you.

 

 

Always compliant.

judas

I trusted you.
***
They said I was young,
They said I was special.
Said I had promise,
Untapped potential.
You saw something else.
You saw the darkness.
The beasts and the serpents,
That lurked in my shadow.
I told you to leave,
I told you I couldn’t.
Disquiet and circumvention
Are all I have to give.
***
Petitions. Arguments. Evidence.
A vow.
Determined, you stayed.
Uncertain, I swayed.
***
Arms and voices,
Raised then broken.
We can fix this. We can fix this.
Bare feet among shards.
Drip-drop, drip-drop.
Tears here, blood there.
Hearts like glass.
Souls like rocks.
Love – a mystery,
An elaborate hoax.
***
I trusted you.
You betrayed me.
***
Betrayed, deceived,
Stripped bare my soul.
Lamb to the slaughter,
Hoodwinked and accused.
A monster, you said.
A coward, they said.
Voiceless and braindead,
I’m sorry, I said.
***

You are no Judas.
I betrayed me.