An Exercise in Futility

Dear Person,

It’s uncomfortable to constantly be on guard.
Worrying about the things you say and do being judged.
Not misjudged.
A selfish, shamelessly self-centred organism.

But, I’m comfortable enough to tell you this.
I’ve been thinking a lot
About the pointlessness
Of any emotion that isn’t self-serving.

So, what is this big fuss about love?
The existence of which is in itself highly debatable

I think.
But what do I know?

The stark futility of expressing to people
How you feel about them,
when they clearly don’t need it –
Evolved, self-sufficient bastards.

So why tell you that you’ve been on my mind?

Memories of you make me feel empty.
I do not love you unconditionally;
I do not want to possess you;
I do not dream of touching you;
I am not enamoured.
In truth, I don’t even really like you.

But.

You were real.

You were here,
I “felt” things.
Like I was more
Than just an organism.
Like my meaningless existence
Was completely acceptable.
Like I wasn’t alone.

I miss you.

Sincerely.

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Have we met before?

Let’s say we haven’t.
Let’s do a little dance,
As you help me sell to you
Parts of myself that I’d like you to see.

Tell me I’m beautiful,
Say those words.
Make me want you
Despite myself.

Pull me close
And I’ll try to leave.
But your grip is firm,
My fingers in your palm.

I’ll twirl right back
Into your arms.
Sharing bodies and souls,
Never missing a beat.

Tell me my demons entice you;
That you’re under my spell.
Tell me you couldn’t leave
Even if you wanted to.

Tell me I’m special –
My breath intoxicating.

So special that I’m different –
My words, stimulating.

So different that I’m doomed.
To be alone.

Then don’t look back
When you walk out the door,
Shaking with emotion
You never expected.

Rage. Hate. Pain. Love?

Promise yourself
You’ll never come back.
I’ll promise myself
I’m never taking you back.

I’ll spend my days
Shattering innocent objects;
Shouting as loud as I can
To drown out the voices.

Incredibly loud.
Excruciatingly unkind.
Told you so!
Told you so.

I’ll make do,
I’ll live with this shame.

So here I am.
Healing.
The past behind me;
When you come by,

Smiling eyes asking,

Have we met before?

judas

I trusted you.
***
They said I was young,
They said I was special.
Said I had promise,
Untapped potential.
You saw something else.
You saw the darkness.
The beasts and the serpents,
That lurked in my shadow.
I told you to leave,
I told you I couldn’t.
Disquiet and circumvention
Are all I have to give.
***
Petitions. Arguments. Evidence.
A vow.
Determined, you stayed.
Uncertain, I swayed.
***
Arms and voices,
Raised then broken.
We can fix this. We can fix this.
Bare feet among shards.
Drip, drop, drip, drop.
Tears here, blood there.
Hearts like glass.
Souls like rocks.
Love – a mystery,
An elaborate hoax.
***
I trusted you.
You betrayed me.
***
Betrayed, deceived,
Stripped bare my soul.
Lamb to the slaughter,
Hoodwinked and accused.
A monster, you said.
A coward, they said.
Voiceless and braindead,
I’m sorry, I said.
***

You are no Judas.
I betrayed me.